Good Monsters

by Michael Channing

Chapter Four: "Still and Bloodless"

The jaw didn't move. The teeth didn't clack together like some two-bit Roger Corman prop. It simply spoke inside my head.

You know the talk-box thing that Frampton came alive with? You direct your guitar sound into your mouth then mold the sound with your lips and tongue. Makes it sound like the guitar is talking. This was the same kind of sound I heard when the skull talked to me. Only in place of a guitar, a droning cloud of flies.

"You were there," the skull said. "And I wanted some fun."

"That's why you turned him? For fun?" Beardy said. He flipped the skull over so he could look it directly in the eye sockets. "You do know what this means, don't you?"

"Hopefully it'll liven up the conversation around here. I'm sick of the constant Freddy versus Jason debate every damn night."

"You won't be hearing anything, 'cause you're going back in the closet, old man."

The drone of flies roared in my head. The pain forced my eyes shut.

A hand gripped my shoulder.

I opened my eyes to see Beardy closing a closet door. On a shelf among the cleaning supplies sat the skull who only wanted to have fun.

"Have a seat, son." It was Mr. Mustache, standing behind me, looking like a parent faced with the uneasy task of explaining to his kid why gold fish can't drink Kool-Aid.

I looked around for a chair. There wasn't one so I sat on the floor.

"What's your name, son?"

"John."

"Well, John. My name is Joseph, and that's my brother Jeb."

Jeb waved. I listened for Mr. Mustache, now known correctly as Joseph, because what he had to say was important.

"Isn't that special?" Joseph said. "Three J's. That makes us a nice little group of friends, don't it?"

It did. In fact, it was the greatest thing I'd ever heard. And the two of them were brothers, so that made them my brothers, too. I always wanted a brother.

"The guy in the closet there is Uncle Sven. And he's a very old man who's not really all there anymore."

"Tell me about it." I wasn't kidding. I really wanted him to tell me everything about Sven because Joesph was the most amazing person I'd ever met. His every word was gospel to me.

"And Uncle Sven is a vampire. My brother and I are both vampires. And now you're gonna be one, too, John. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. This is great. I'm glad you're my friend."

"Turn off the fogworks," Jeb said. "You're over doing it."

"I know. I was hoping I could make this easy."

All of a sudden it was like a window opening in my mind. A dirty, finger printy window that had been greasing up all the light. And I saw clear again.

"You guys are fuck-nuts crazy. Seriously. You're off your rockers. You're off the goddamn porch."

I stood up, ready to run, and Joseph took a jackknife from his pocket and unfolded the blade.

"Sit back down, John."

My mouth went dry. My balls climbed upward to safety. I looked around for an escape, a weapon, for help. Good old Frankie stood by as a mad man approached me with a knife. Why have you forsaken me, Frankie?

"I really wish I didn't have to do this," Joseph said. The blade went up.

I cringed. I wasn't angry at Frankie for letting me down. That's what people do. It wouldn't make sense for monsters to do any different. Even the best of them.

I slowly realized I wasn't dead. The knife hadn't come down. I was whole and untouched and still waiting for whatever was going to happen to happen.

"I really need you to pay attention, John. I'm only gonna do this once."

I opened my eyes. Joseph's shirt was open. Through the mat of wiry hair, his skin was the color of those fish who live their whole lives eyeless in caves and never know the sun. Fucking pale.

Joseph put the blade to his stomach. And sliced a deep cut along the belt line. There was no blood. It was like cutting into bologna. The incision made, he closed the knife and put it in his pocket. "This is gonna take forever to heal. You're lucky I don't have a date tonight."

His brother made a pshaw type sound, and they exchanged a glance that meant something to them but fuck all to me. I was focused mainly on the open wound smiling across Joseph's stomach.

He poked his fingers into the opening, under the flap of skin, and slid his hand upwards. Sunk his arm elbow-deep into his own sternum. Groped around in there for a moment. Then his fist emerged, clutching his still and bloodless heart.

"It stopped beating a long time ago," Joseph said. "But that doesn't mean I don't feel for what's gonna to happen to you."

"What's gonna happen to me?" I was able to ask this because everything was on the surface. I felt nothing within. Not fear, not cold, not emptiness. This was a defense mechanism I had perfected over time. Of course, I'd never seen another human being present to me one of his own organs. But in a sense, the situation was familiar. This is what people do. Their hearts grow cold, and they set you adrift. It was something I was prepared to handle.

Joseph stepped away and tucked his heart, along with the empty tubing of arteries and veins, back into his chest.

His brother Jeb took over the presentation. "What's going to happen, John, is you're going to die. Sometime in the next twenty-four hours, your own heart is going to quit, you'll stop breathing, and then all the blood in your body is going to bleed out of you. So what you want to do is go and set up some place where it won't matter if you bleed all over it. But not outside. 'Cause once the process is done, you and the sun won't be friends anymore. I bet you've seen enough movies to know what I'm talking about."

Joseph came back, his shirt buttoned and tucked in. "You're one of us, John. From now on. That means you live by night. You drink blood once in a while. And because you don't have any of your own, the tube snake don't boogie no more. I'm sorry this happened. But it is happening."

I nodded. Slowly.

"It's not all bad," Jeb put in. "There are certain perks that go along with being a vampire. You're gonna live a long time. You'll heal fast. You can cloud men's minds. You get along real well with dogs."

"Can I turn into a bat?"

"No, John. You can't turn into a bat. But the life takes some getting used to. For now, you need to get through the first part. After you're dead, come back here, and we'll help you through the rest. How's that sound?"

I nodded again. Then I stood up to go home.

"This is the hardest part," Jeb said.

"I don't know," his brother countered. "Never having your Johnson look up at you again is kinda difficult to deal with."

"Stop it. The boy needs our support and positivity right now."

"Right. Because I'm every newbie's babysitter."

Jeb sighed. "You'll be alright, John. We'll be here for you. But everybody goes through this part alone. You have to be strong to be one of us. This is where you prove that strength."

They walked me to the front door. Jeb patted me on the back, told me again how everything was gonna turn out for the best. Joseph managed to grumble a "good luck." Then they opened the door and turned me out into the world. To die.

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