Flayed in the USA

Dear Makers of Lifespark Batteries and Jumper Cables:

I don't use your products. I don't even own a car. But I'm writing to you because there's a problem in this country, and I think you can help.

So far, America has been outsourcing all of its torture activities, which means, of course, more money in the pockets of foreign torturers and foreign battery manufacturers. This has got to stop. I say, if a prisoner is going to feel the alligator bite of jumper cables on his groin, let him know it's America who has him by the balls. And when he looks down at the Lifespark battery and sees it is guaranteed for life, he'll start screaming even before the circuit is complete and his short hairs start to singe. What a great ad campaign that would be. "Just the sight of our batteries makes terrorists wet themselves."

Doing our own in-house torturing will create new jobs. Teenagers raised on realistic murder simulators, rap music, and heavy metal are ready right now to begin their interrogation training. And since they'll be taking their aggressions out on military prisoners, school shootings will be a thing of the past.

The terrorists, of course, will be torturing our boys, which is only fair. And they, too, will want the best equipment for the job. You shouldn't feel bad to learn that your products are being used to electrocute American scrotums. First, and most importantly, it will mean greater revenue for your stockholders. Second, it's a matter of pride. American testicles are the greatest testicles in the world.

I urge you to buy yourself a few politicians and push through a bill that will put human lives in the hands of American malcontented psychopaths. And when the government starts torturing people for their library fees, I'll gladly offer up my jewels to the electric sting of progress. Because if we don't set our genitals on fire, the terrorists will, and then we'll have lost.